not sure why i'm bothering

i started this blog for god knows what reason. no one even knows this exists. i like that though. i haven't written here in forever. it doesn't feel like its been nearly as long as it actually has been. my beautiful boyfriend is sitting on the edge of the bed eating left over chinese food and he has no idea what i'm typing right now. i love him so much, there arent even words to describe how much. he is such an absolutely amazing man. every inch of him is so beautiful, his smell, the sound of his voice, the sound of his breath, the faint accent he has, the way his lips move when he talks, his tolerance of everything i do. and his heart is bigger than anyone's i know. i envy how ego-less he is. how humble and how thoughtful he can be. i will never know another person in my life who is as amazing, touching, comforting and unbelievably smart as he is. i know that. i am without a doubt the luckiest person alive to be able to wake up next to such an amazing person every morning. i dont know what i did to deserve love like this.

sunday afternoon

jacob is taking a nap next to me. its cute when he sleeps. it looks like its going to rain outside. we could use some rain, its been a while. hopefully it will start before jake wakes up because then he wont be able to mow the lawn. that means he can actually relax for once.

fresh green beans are nature's present to me. the crunch, its divine.

its 2:54 pm on friday. i'm sitting (actually laying) on my bed with law and order on the TV in the background, smoking a cigarette, my laptop on my belly. i dont know what i'm going to make of this blog thing. maybe nothing. it would be nice for it to be something though. i feel like i have relevant thoughts to share. thoughts about the world and our country and our society and the people around me and the people i love and the people who love me and my dogs and food and TV and music and art and clothes and every other thing i happen to think about from day to day. i doubt anyone will read this...especially if i never tell anyone it exists. i'm just going to write for a while and see if i like it, then i'll decide whether or not to tell anyone. maybe i'll just tell jacob. he doesnt judge me. he never has. thats one of the reasons i'm so madly in love with him. but who cares if someone judges me? why do i care so much? i always have cared so much about that. such a stupid thing to care about. i know intellectually that it only matters what i think. if i am comfortable with my choices and if i can sleep at night (figuratively speaking because i really never sleep well) then thats all that should matter. my head knows that. my heart on the other hand...

me

a blog?

my mom has one...that made me want one. she's an artist so she actually has a need for one. i'm not an artist. i don't really have anything to promote, but still want one. so here it is. let's see how this goes.

FYI my mom's blog